So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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