Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Every concussion has its silver lining
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
