just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
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