Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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