I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
