I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
