OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
