I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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