I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Randomize
