GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Randomize
