I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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