You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
