Define "chronic" masturbator.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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