sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
