Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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