Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Randomize
