A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
