i already hear my dad disowning me
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
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