my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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