Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
