You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
