There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
