If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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