i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
