I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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