theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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