Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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