the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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