I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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