In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
