You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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