mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Randomize
