it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
