Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
