i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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