We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
