Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
