i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
How does one acquire holy water?
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
