oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
