I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
