i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
