i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
