I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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