..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
