R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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