I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
