I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
we should paint friendship bongs
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