Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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