He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
