dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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